Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Now listen, I have a beard to this day because Snake had a beard in Metal Gear Solid 2. I am a die hard fan of the critically acclaimed series, buying each system that it has graced its presence on. When any news of MGS comes my way I get an immediate erection and must proceed to sneak around the neighborhood, knocking on walls and breaking necks all while donning a bandanna. That sounded terrible...
Anyway, the site didn't change much until after a few seconds after the countdown where it revealed an image of Big Boss. He is younger which leads me to believe that the game will be a sequel to Portable Ops which came out for the PSP and was one of the best in the series, seriously. But with much digging I found the same picture of Big Boss in a magazine from China which also boasts a bad ass pic of Raiden wearing his futuristic armor but with an eye patch as well. Could there be two new games coming? One a sequel to Portable Ops and one a sequel to MGS4? That would fucking rock. I was really banking on them remaking the original Metal Gear games but the pic of Big Boss solidified that he is too young for that to be the deal.
Oh well, I'm just happy there is more Metal Gear coming my way. I have to grow my mullet now.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Being only a cherub of around 6 years old when this was first advertised, my youthful imagination reconfigured what I saw on commercials and in old school Game Pro ads into a mythical product that would allow its user full freedom of movement and inventiveness. This octagonal haven contained martial arts masters roundhouse kicking their way to victory. I assumed that whatever moves one performed within the designated space would then be carried out by the sprites on screen. It would be full on video puppetry. “Holy shit, I could make Shinobi sweep kick and rip out an enemy’s heart if I so desired! Cool Spot could flip off The Man and go work for coca-cola! Axe Battler could take a well deserved nap after a morning rife with cartoon viewing!” This was actually what I thought.
Canto 2: What it was: (or: I'm a Stupid Kid)
A fucking impossible to use controller. What I learned after my spoiled self got my grandmother to purchase this for my birthday was that no, I couldn’t alter pre-programmed animations by tangoing within its slick barriers. Sega’s goddamn travesty used infrared signals on 8 sensors, so if you wave your hand over the “A” sensor, it was as if A had been hit on a normal controller. Want to use your magic in Golden Axe? Wave your hand over that sensor. Going diagonal required using two arms waggling. Or punching! Now I understood. Fucking martial arts made it look awesome, but the reality was a ridiculous aerobic system that rendered all games unplayable. I had assumed this was motion capture pre….motion capture. I was also 6. And on mescaline.
Canto 3: What happened (or: 117 more and I Equal Ezra Pound)
Realizing after 2 minutes that all preconceived notions about the potential of this product had been nothing but vicious lies, I renounced Catholicism and kindly asked my parents to return the device back to the depths of hell from whence it came (also the home town of Beelzebub, my new Dark Lord). I had adulterous thoughts of the Atari Lynx, but Bonk just didn’t appeal to me enough for more than a one night stand. And I think he was 5, too old for me. Luckily the Sega CD and 32x were on the horizon, and history will show that they delivered on all fronts. Thank you Sega, for taking me on such a mega drive.
Canto 4: Post-Script (OR: CAPS LOCK!)
While waiting to return the nefarious machine I still made use of it, managing to fully beat Eternal Champions by simply tapping two of the sensors while on my knees. I beat the whole fucking game like that. Dedication + lousy programming = fulfilling childhood.
The instructional video packed with the heathen ring:
Fact: Movies are great.
Fact: Great + Great = Greater
Fact: Greater > Great
It's a foolish man who says, "everything can't be a movie."
If you are amongst the 18% of the population who support FOX Searchlight's attempted acquisitions of "LEGO: The Movie," kindly state your case below.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Originally hailed as mammals of distinct worship by the Chinese and Ainu cultures, Bears have had few difficulties finding their way into American pop culture. Whether it be amongst the subculture of heavy-set gay/bisexual men with hairy bodies and facial hair or within books, comics, poems, movies, TV programs, and video games, bears have found a home in our entertainment world and they are here to stay. The following list is a tribute to ten very special bears who have achieved an unmatched celebrity status in the bear kingdom of American arts.
10. FOZZIE BEAR
It's time to play the music. It's time to light the lights. It's time to move your green frog prostate Kermit, its the motherfucking Fozzie Bear show TONIGHT! This striving failed comedian has seen the worst side of rock-bottom and now he's earned himself a spot on our list for his resistance to rotten tomatoes, his ability to keep his head up high through the heckling and of course, for implanting that incessant, "Wokka, Wokka, Wokka," into the very core of our souls.
Don't want him on the list? How about you try saying that to Mr. T and maybe he'll show you the Fozzie tattoo on his left bicep fool! Yes, I'm serious.
While Fozzie Bear achieved cult fame status in his costarring role on The Muppet Show, it was Winnie-The-Pooh who broke down the dark walls of bear-oppression and made the big leap into starring roles with his 1960 debut appearance on NBC's "The Shirley Temple Show."
From his sick and obsessive glutton-fueled honey worship to the conflicted sinful lives of his botched up friends, (the E-popping, highly irresponsible Tigger the Tiger, Rabbit the obsessive compulsive, and his depressed waste of life buddy Eeyore), it is with great integrity that Edward Pooh finds his way into the shoes of our ninth most famous bear.
8. THE BERENSTAIN BEARS
If you're one of the 46 people on this planet who weren't raised reading Stan and Jan Berenstain's series of children books, "The Berenstain Bears," then you are probably dead or have it coming. This anthropomorphic family of bears taught us every life lesson we would need in our adult lives within the ease of 17-21 pages; beat that "The Bible!"
Complete with an abusive Papa Bear, sandwich-making Mama, slutty love interest Skanky Bear, and the borderline child-molester Professor Actual Factual Bear, this is a series that only can get better as you put on the years.
While the NES and SNES did offer several games where users could take on the role of a bear, our adventures were never able to stem further than "Super Care Bear Island: Legend of the Shiny Star."
In 1998, Rare Ltd. changed the world of gaming as we knew it by releasing the first unlicensed original playable bear in a video game ever for the Nintendo 64, "Banjo-Kazooie." This epic 3D platform/adventure let gamers take on the role of Banjo, a brown honey bear in jean shorts, constantly toting a backpack containing his best friend Kazooie, a large Red-Crested Breegull. Now finding itself with four highly acclaimed sequels under its belt within the last 11 years, it is clear Banjo has built itself a weighty franchise that will have us fighting Gruntilda Winkybunion to our own graves long before this ursina empire sees anything close to an ending.
6. COCA-COLA POLAR BEARS
There's nothing more refreshing than a Coke. I say this with an heir of confidence in the statement, knowing it is one of the most honest things I will ever go on to say. Ask me 16 years ago though, I may have had a different answer...
The year was 1993 and Coca-Cola was in trouble. With the release of their '91-'92 ad campaign entitled, "World War Coke and the Miracle of the Colacaust," politicians had already begun boycotting the beverage. Suddenly, a new mascot stepped forward, The Coca-Cola Polar Bear. Armed with adorable looks and the best drink in town, the Coke business was saved. Whether these CGI cuddle-snouts are sliding down an ice luge, soaring off a ski jump, or cuddling up to a box of their favorite syrup, they'll always remind us why bears are such an integral part of our world.
5. BEAR GRYLLS
Grylls is a British adventurer/motivational speaker/television presenter/certified bad-ass, best known as the host and star of "Man vs. Wild." In his 34 years on Earth, Bear has climbed Mount Everest with a broken back, rowed across the Thames naked in a homemade bathtub, crossed the north Atlantic Arctic Ocean in an open inflatable boat, paramotored over Angel Falls, paramotored over the Himalayas, created a world record for highest open-air formal dinner party in a hot air balloon, and another for longest indoor freefall.
What could possibly be next for Bear? You guessed it, drinking the Pacific Ocean.
4. THE 1985 CHICAGO BEARS
Now under the direction of former 60's tight end, Mike Ditka, the Bears were stronger than ever. Losing only one game for the season, (their unlucky 13th, against the Miami Dolphins), the '85 Bears were becoming the team to fear and proved this by crushing the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XX.
The team soon became notorious for Ditka's use of lineman "Refrigerator" Perry, (a 400 pound monster, literally), to taunt the Packers at Lambeau Field to the brink of tears. 1985 was also the year the Bears recorded their legendary novelty rap, "The Super Bowl Shuffle." The Giants tried, the Cowboys tried, even the Lions tried, but no team has ever been better than the 1985 Bears.**
3. YOGI BEAR
Is it possible to look at a picnic basket without thinking of Jellystone's favorite grizzly? No.
Regarded simply as, "too good of a supporting character," Yogi quickly was removed from Hanna-Barbera's "Huckleberry Hound Show" and given a starring role in "The Yogi Bear Show." There he morphed into a pseudo-recreation of Art Carney's Ed Norton character from "The Honeymooners" who terrorized the campers of Jellystone Park by stealing picnic baskets and mauling children with the accompaniment of his best friend Boo Boo, girlfriend Cindy Bear, and arch rival Park Ranger Smith. Repeating a relentless four catchphrases, "I'm smarter than the average bear," "Pic-a-nic Baskets," "Hello, Mr. Ranger, sir," and "Hey, Boo Boo," throughout over 30 years of spin-offs, it is no wonder Warner Brothers announced a live action feature film scheduled for a 2011 release.
2. GUMMI BEARS
Candy makes everything better, bears are no exception. These small German gelatins typically come in five flavors, lime (green), lemon (yellow), raspberry (red), orange (orange), and pineapple (clear).
Over the course of the last century, candy companies have tried thousands of other gummi variants: worms, rings, frogs, snakes, hamburgers, cherries, cola bottles, sharks, hippos, lobsters, children, octopuses, apples, peaches, oranges, Smurfs, Spongebobs, spiders, and weapons, yet none have even come close to matching the success of the bear when it comes to candy. Well, maybe the worms...
1. SMOKEY BEAR
If you think there's a more famous bear out there you must be suffering from smoke inhalation. While we've seen bears with television shows, bear video games, bears playing football, bear sponsored drinks, bear books, and even edible bears, nothing can compare to a bear that actually prevents forest fires. Modest as he is, Smokey Bear would correct me as saying, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires," but we all know who the real hero is.
Not only has this Ad Council mascot been featured in over 120,000 separate advertisements to date, he has also had his own theme song, "Smokey the Bear," since the 50's, a stamp collection featuring his wise sayings, and even his own U.S. federal law, The Smokey Bear Act of 1952, which protects his name and image from ever being used by someone outside of the United States Forest Service. If that's not extreme, nothing ever will be.
In April 2001, Smokey's famous slogan was updated to "Only you can prevent WILDFIRES." Although his diction has been altered, his message is as clear as ever, everyone is an integral element of our society and it is with good faith and impeccable heart for the ethical that Smokey Bear is here for us. For this, Smokey warrants himself nothing lower than the number one spot on this list of the totally top ten famous bears.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Secondly, I have been thinking hard about Jacob and his nemesis and Richard. Obviously Richard is from some subservient order of people who work for Jacob or beings as powerful as he. Now, apparently Jacob has kept Ricardous alive for much longer than he should be and Richard's people know about it. I love the mystery of it all. Now, Jacob has to be god because he is so powerful, but can't be god because Ben kills him. Right? The last thing Richard says is in Latin meaning "he who will save us" or "he who will protect us". Hm. Plus the last shot we see of doppelganger Locke is him standing over a fire as the flames fill the frame. Devil imagery? God damnit!! Pun intended.
I hate this fucking show.
The last three episodes gave us that and more with the idea that they could reset time so that Oceanic 815 never crashed. I hate the idea that characters are going with this but it would save the lives of countless people and reverse all the heart ache and pain others have gone through. But I feel as Miles does, that they can't change anything and that they are in fact causing what they are trying to prevent.
Okay, now to the episode. It was by far the most thrilling episode to date. It had all the forward motion and drive you want from a finale and finally showed us who Jacob really was and then some. Now, the Lost execs have always said there is a reasonable explanation for everything but I am starting to have some doubts. Time travel, okay I buy it because I love it, but Jacob and this other guy, could they be God and the Devil? If this is where Lost is headed, the show is slowly slipping from science fiction to supernatural which I am not sure I am okay with. I did love how Jacob has been around watching the Losties, slowly guiding them to the island proving Locke's theory once and for all that they were brought to the island for a reason. We just don't know what that is. I love the metaphor that Jacob refered to when speaking of his tapestry and how the threads have taken forever to form the picture.
If anything, this episode has finally set the framework of the show, giving us the big players, Jacob and the other guy. Where once Widmore and Ben were the head honchos, these two immortal and powerful beings now run the show. Plus we were given tons of answers though all not clear: Locke is really dead and his body was in the mysterious box, the other survivors of Ajira are Richard's people who work for Jacob, what lies in the shadow of the statue, and who the hell Jacob is! And the last action sequence with the Swan site was jaw dropping, the fate of Juliet chilling, and the cliff hanger more ambitious than anything Lost has done. Now we have eight months until we learn some answers: did they reset everything, is Sayid alive, who is Jacob's nemesis, who and what are Richard's people, and what war is coming?
I could not ask for more in an episode. I particularly loved the scene with Jack and Sawyer which ended in a much needed brawl. Everything felt right in this episode and I was completely immersed. Yet, I am sad. Locke is defintely dead, as Faraday probably is. And if they do reset things, what the hell is season 6 about? If they don't reset things, what happens to our Losties with the highly pissed off Dharma people? Where is Desmond? How are the two groups of Losties going to unite? Arggghh!! Curse you Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindenlof!! Please sound off on your theories and thoughts. I need it. Sorry this is so lengthy.
I love this god damn show.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I'm currently sitting at my desk in a room containing two windows. Both are open. Outside of each is a different Mexican with a different rusty harbinger of suburban sleep derivation; one to blow leaves, the other...probably to blow leaves. Fuck them both for performing their paid duties while I want to sleep late like a fussy immature child who didn't get his ba-ba last night when I explicitly asked my mother to bring it to me after Idol along with my Gorilla Grod footy pajamas and two bundles of butter toffee rice cakes.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Last week it was rumored that Bradley Cooper was in the running to play Hal Jordan aka Green Lantern in the titular film adaption. Now, though he may not be a well known actor, Cooper can be seen in the new movie The Hangover and Wedding Crashers - the former looking hilarious and the latter being hilarious. Back in March Star Trek's young Cap'n Kirk Chris Pine was rumored to be in running though I haven't seen him in anything and was worried about him as Hal.
Now for those of you who don't know, Hal Jordan is a hotshot pilot for the US Air Force who even after watching his father die saving hundreds of lives in a plane accident, followed in his footsteps except the dying part. Hal is cocky, arrogant, sly, funny, and above all else a daredevil, unafraid of risking his life just for the thrill. Now, I see Nathan Fillion as the perfect choice because he can carry that cocky humor and he is easy on the eyes. Girl eyes I mean. Alas, the movie execs look for youth even though most of superheroes are not all young, especially not anymore.
Now Cooper on the other hand could bring a fresh arrogance and pride to the role that would fit Hal perfectly. He is young, good looking and fairly in shape, he meets all the criteria though he would not be my first pick and I hope they take more people into consideration before choosing him. Yet, I think with the right direction, Cooper could fit into the ring quiet nicely. Plus, I trust Warner Bros. in their casting choices ever since they chose Heath and Eckhart for TDK. Either way, I am just glad that Green Lantern news is starting to come more often. I just hope the movie is as good as it could be.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
10. Pass The Pigs
With the rising global panic over the H1N1 virus, "Pass The Pigs" offers a positive outlook on our friends, the swine. The game derives itself from the age-old dice game, "Pig." Players take turns throwing two pig figurines to the ground and receive various point allotments based on how the pigs land. "Snouter," "Razorback," "Oinker," maybe you'll even master the "Double Leaning Jowler," no matter what, this is one dose of swine you can't do without.
9. Kid Clock
Are you sick of telling time with that seven year old clock on your mother's nightstand? Is it a chore to turn your wrist every hour to see the time? Maybe it's time to decorate your time-telling buddy with your own artwork on the face of a large 10", acrylic, quartz analog wall clock! Your buddies will be burning the clocks off their cell phones when they see your radical "Kid Clock!"
8. EyeClops Bionic Eye
"Something BIG is going on but its too small to see with your little eyes, Timmy." "So what do I do?" "Buy an EyeClops Bionic Eye you silly little booger." The "EyeClops Bionic Eye" allows you to magnify any object up to 400x and then watch it on your television. Who needs national programming when your Eye is making the calls?
7. Nintendo DSi
Maybe you already have a Nintendo DS and you're saying to yourself, "why would I waste my money on that blasted contraption?" Guess what naysayer, you're Nintendo DS is outdated, this is the DSi era. As seen by the iPhone, iPod, and iTV, adding a lower-case "i" to things makes them much better, the DSi is no exception. This little hand held game console is now boasting its own internal camera... for pictures! You even get an extra light on the inside now, to see stuff or something! Yeah!
6. Fur Real Friends: Biscuit My Lovin Pup
Biscuit enables you to share all the wonderful experiences of a real dog, minus the mess and labor; best of all, he can't die. This robotic pooch responds to touch, begs for biscuits, (with a name like Biscuit, can you blame him), barks, wags his tail, and even listens to voice commands. It's like having your own dog... but not really at all.
5. Fitter First Pro Indo Balance Board Trainer
It's not just a skateboard without wheels, it's a skateboard without wheels on a big round thing. If you have any interest in surfing, tow surfing, skateboarding, wakeboarding, wake skating, water skiing, skimboarding, snowboarding, snow skiing, mountain boarding, sandboarding, kiteboarding, or windsurfing, the "Fitter First Pro Indo Balance Board Trainer" is something that you simply cannot live without. The Indo retails for 279.00 USD.
4. Kid Tough Portable DVD Player
Nobody gives children DVD players... nobody until, now. Fisher Price's "Kid Tough DVD Player" comes loaded in thick, reinforced, blue and pink plastic to keep your movies scratch-free and your DVD player playing. Whether your child throws coins, rocks, or feces, your movie is safe from all. The only issue of concern is the 3.2" screen which forces you to hold the device directly against your face but, a little radiation poisoning never killed anybody to my knowledge.
3. Moon Sand
What the fuck is it? It's Moon Sand! This stupid shit is amazing. Part moon, part sand, this soft Play Doh-like toy will have your cocksucker of a kid out of your hair for weeks as he creates animals, objects, and even big-ass forts. The only limit here is your little retard's imagination. Moon sand comes in an array of six different colors so make sure you pick up some paint.
2. WALL-E Laptop
What's cooler than your own personal computer? Your own personal WALL-E computer! Although the laptop lacks any internal software, external ports, and internet compatibility, your friends will be jonesing for your WALL-E after they see his five featured learning models, words, letters, math, logic, and games. Best of all, this laptop boats its own qwerty keyboard finished with three separate colors.
1. Elmo Live!
If you think you could find a better toy at Wal-Mart on the particular Wednesday, you're basically bananas. In this truly life-like creation, for the first time ever, Elmo seems to actually be speaking as his mouth opens and closes just like the real muppet, Elmo, from Sesame Street. His mannerisms are right on target as his head moves back and forth as he speaks. He waves his arms, sits and stands, even crosses his legs all the while telling stories and jokes, singing songs and playing games. Being in the presence of an Elmo Live is like spending time with your first born only fifty times more fun. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and if your lucky, you might even find the best friend and family member you've ever had. For this, Elmo Live proudly warrants itself, the top toy I found at Wal-Mart today.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Five years ago, Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely brought one of the most unique and innovative Vertigo miniseries to life. We3 is a startlingly disturbing and provocative piece that tugs at our heart strings and forces us to reevaluate domestication and animal cruelty.
When Project Weapon 3 also known as We3 is scheduled for termination, a scientist working with the three animals - a dog, a cat and a rabbit - releases them. Without their daily medications they will die in a matter of hours but the government can not wait that long. But all We3 want is to find home, a place where they don't have to run anymore. This three part epic tale takes a mere twenty minutes to read, but in that time there will be laughs, thrills and heart ache. Morrison has truly crafted a world where these characters - bipedal and quadrupedal - live, breathe and die with more heart than most long running books can muster in a year. Along with Quitely's outstanding, blood soaked action scenes to his gripping, emotionally driving splash pages, We3 is a timeless story that is unflinching in its relevance and dazzling in its beauty.
If you haven't read it, please do yourself a favor and go buy it. I found it on Amazon for $7 and it took me twenty minutes to read. If you consider yourself a comic book fan, this is a must have. Score: A+
Three days ago the teaser trailer for Neill Blomkamp’s District 9 was released. If you haven’t seen it, I have it here for you. If you have seen it, watch it again.
Okay. How about that, huh? Quite frankly, I think the film looks amazing. It’s the unique blend of science fiction and documentary that Cloverfield went for but fell short. In no way am I comparing the two nor am I putting them in the same class of film. I just feel that this film has the extremely creative and bold commentary on subsistence living superimposed in the fiction future of aliens living among us. Of course, I am basing this off of the teaser trailer and the short film the movie is based on. I also have that for you here:
Original, crude at times and a little heavy on the special effects, Alive In Joburg is Blomkamp’s impressive first film. What would it be like if aliens were forced to live among us? Would the government protect them? Would the people accept them? Intriguing to say the least.
In addition, you might recognize Blomkamp’s gritty, guerrilla style from the Halo: Arms Race shorts produced to boost interest and confidence for the long in development Halo movie produced by Peter Jackson. With a high concept idea as there is in Joburg no wonder Jackson backed the feature adaptation of the film. Be sure to check back in as we learn more about this awesome project coming to theaters August 14th.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
After last week's filler "special" episode which was basically a montage of rerun material edited together to give the occasional viewer or the regular "watcher" some clarification of the happenings of our Losties. Now I say "watcher" because there are two different Lost viewers: the "watchers" who look at the pretty pictures on the screen and the real Lost fans, the ones that get into the show and really understand it. So maybe this recap episode was good for the former, but for us die hard Lost scholars, it was just a waste of time. But with the 100th episode "The Variable", it was absolutely worth the wait.
First off, we finally get the Faraday episode we have been waiting for ever since the quirky quantum mechanics brainiac twitched his way into our hearts in season 4. I don't know about you but Desmond and Faraday are my two favorite characters with Sawyer at a close third. This episode explores the relationship with Eloise Hawking and her son Daniel clearing up how he got on the island and how he met Charles Widmore. Though, much like most people, I figured Widmore was his father.
Instead of going too much into this episode, I want to focus on the implications this new story has on this already phenomenol season. This season has focused more on the characters and what each individual has been doing, leaving the plot driven Lost of last season behind. Instead, we are left with more questions then ever as the explanations start coming but leave us scratching our heads in their complexity. My only gripe is that there was no overall story arc giving the season a driving force or uniting the character's journeys under one roof. Don't get me wrong, this season has been fantastic and I daresay that "The Variable" is the best yet. But now that Faraday believes they can change the past I can't help but feel strange.
If they in fact can change the past, preventing the plane from ever crashing, then where does it leave our Losties? Kate goes to jail, Jack buries his father, Sawyer is exiled from Australia, Sun and Jin's life is controlled by her father, Hurley is surrounded by bad luck, and Rose dies. Why would they ever want to go back to that? The show is about the redemption of characters who have no ties to the world and find a better life on the Island. I have a feeling that Faraday is wrong because why would he tell Charlotte what he knew he was going to say and why would Eloise send her son to be shot by her younger self? I believe things will continue to happen the way they always have and with the next episode entitled "The Incident" we will see the birth of the Hatch that we know.
But for now, my theory is being pulled in too many directions. I will leave on this note, if Faraday lives, which I think he will, he will find the bomb buried in the shadow of the statue. Score: A
For "The Variable" easter eggs, go here: